C A S T   APRIL SUNSHINE   PAID MUG MAN #1   PAID MUG LADY   BILL SMITH   DR. (DANNY) KAYE   JACK WAGNER (V.O.)   PAID MUG MAN #2   PAID MUG MAN #3   DAN FORMAN   CARTOON ANNOUNCER (V.O.)   SHOPKEEPER (LARRY "BUD" MELMAN)

INT. INFOMERCIAL STUDIO - DAY

Typical Infomercial studio complete with corny, paid audience. The hostess, APRIL SUNSHINE (early to mid-twenties, beauty contestant-type) is on-stage. She is obviously reading from the teleprompter. She smiles widely most of the time- When her other emotions are called for, they are obviously rehearsed. We are just coming back from another segment - the program is already in progress.

. . . . . . . . . . APRIL Well, that was interesting! For those of you just joining us here on the Poseidon/Chase Ecology Hour, I'm Sparkling April Sunshine! As most of you know, I'm the winner of the first annual Poseidon/Chase Environmentally-Friendly and Ecologically-Minded Miss Seaweed Girl of the Year! I'm proud to be the very first Miss Seaweed ever, and I promise I'll strive to fulfill the dignity and time-honored traditions of my title!

Shot of the audience applauding.

. . . . . . . . . . APRIL (Cont'd) Thank you! I'm here today to welcome you all to our littletour of the facilities here at the Poseidon/Chase Experimental Research Center. Now some of you out there might not know what we here at Poseidon/Chase are up to. Well, quite frankly, I was a bit confused myself, until the nice people here explained that they're here for YOU! Isn't that nice?

April walks over to opposite side of stage where some large technical drawings are displayed.

. . . . . . . . . . APRIL (Cont'd) Here we have some drawings which detail our latest government-sponsored project: Project Dante! Now, very simply, what this experiment does is to send out really loud... . . . . . .(has trouble pronouncing) ...Ilidistel Siefdeethi sonar signals into the ocean which will then be retrieved at our station, here! Now this is a new and experimental type of sonar system, unlike everything used in the past!

April randomly points very quickly at different areas of the drawings as she continues her explanation.

. . . . . . . . . . APRIL (Cont'd) The way these signals are projected and because they're so loud, the complex Shefidad computers here at our station will actually be able to give us incredible clues...

She stops pointing, puts on her "searching" expression and starts doing vague hand gestures. She hasn't a clue of what she's talking about.

. . . . . . . . . . APRIL (Cont'd) ...as to what's really going on down there! . . . . . .(dead serious) And I don't think I need to tell YOU just how important that really is.

April moves back to original stage area, smugly.

. . . . . . . . . . APRIL (Cont'd) Now because of recent, unfair claims the Press has been making...

The audience starts booing. Some audience members hold signs with sayings like "Poseidon/Chase loves us!," "Down with the Press!," etc.

. . . . . . . . . . APRIL (Cont'd) Yes, yes, I know; but we must face the persecution we've been receiving from the Press! It's part of the price we pay for living in a free society. . . . . . .(dead serious) And a free society is what we here at Poseidon/Chase are striving for!

The audience starts cheering emphatically. April regains her trademark smile.

. . . . . . . . . . APRIL (Cont'd) Now let's open the floor for some questions from our studio audience.

A fat, dorky-looking man with glasses (PAID MUG MAN #1) stands in the audience. He continuously adjusts his glasses as if reading from far away.

. . . . . . . . . . PAID MUG MAN #1 . . . . . .(slowly) Yes, I just wanted to say that you all at Poseidon/Chase Experimental Research, a division of Poseidon/ Chase Better Lives, incorporated and subsidy of Poseidon/Chase International, are doing a wonderful job and I support you one hundred percent!

The audience applauds.

(CONTINUED) . . . . . . . .